staring into the horizon

is my life really about to change? is this the moment i've been waiting for? i think i'm someone who likes to be in new exciting places. and after a while everywhere loses it's excitement. is it possible to be in a place that will hold my attention? a time in my life that i will be fulfilled?

of course it's possible. i always say i believe it and that i desire it more than anything..

i don't think i'm capable of staying in this state...when my love isn't here. a love that i thought i'd already lost. a love that i was devastated from losing and yet...here it is. right in front of me. there's so much to explore and experience. and instead of waiting for

i can just find you and i'll have you right there with me.

and i really believe that i could be ready because i know that..

There's much more life to live

& a lot more love to give.

the hardest part is going to be saying

to all of the friends i've made here. although, i believe for some it isn't going to be a goodbye that will last forever. more like a, see you later. am i ready for this? i don't want to be without him again or any longer. all i know is no one makes me feel like he does. id be happy laying by his side forever..or even better, gazing up at the texas starry sky...maybe that's why it's called a leap of faith. i've just got to believe...

Couple Graphics

Craigery Michael Owens

birthday boy

was born august 26, 1984 in davison, michigan. he's got to be one of my most favorite people on the planet. he has lived on this earth for 26 years. i'm so thankful that craig was able to make it to this birthday. last summer, a mere few days after i had met craig owens at warped tour, he overdosed. i remember how stunned i was to find out that this happened. i instantly felt tears streaming down my face. how could this artist that i had come to adore do this to himself? how could he leave us all behind? i was soon after greeted with a blog entry by owens, explaining himself and telling us all how grateful he really is. i'll never forget the feeling i had reading that. i wondered if he could ever really know how many people love him and will continue to support him.

I love every piece of art that Craig Owens has created. I have all of the albums he has made. at the time in my life when i discovered chiodos i felt an instant connection with the words and the music that i was hearing. his words seem to flow out of him and into my soul. i felt like someone actually understood what i was thinking. i could find my own personal haven inside the words he sang and spoke to me through his music. he means what he says and sings with such conviction. his voice can be so many emotions, he can swoon you in one verse and be screaming his head off in the next. he's diverse and multifarious.

having seen craig fives times i know the true power behind his songs. it isn't until you see the smile on his face and feel the radiation from his happiness that are able to understand why it is that i love him so much. at his acoustic shows he likes to take some time during the later half of the show to have everyone at the show sit down on the ground and he sits on the edge of the stage. he just talks with us and plays acoustically and we can sing along with him. doing this are some of the best memories i have. next to meeting him of course...this is the story behind my second encounter...

september 20, 2009

baltimore

mid-afternoon on september twentieth of last year i was surfing myspace at my boyfriend, alan's, apartment. as usual i found myself on craig owen's myspace. as i scroll down i suddenly see tour dates, i always check dates but some reason i'd missed this one.

Craig Owens - The Ottobar Baltimore MD 9.20

HOLY SHIT! I exclaimed. I turned to Alan and immediately said, "Craig Owens is going to be in Baltimore, tonight."

Alan, being the most amazing boyfriend that he is, agreed to take me see Craig Owens!! Thank you baby for staying after the show & waiting with me to meet him, it's because of you i met my favorite artist. you have no idea how much this simple act meant to me alan.

you

give me

such

so today, i'm saying thank the universe craig owens is alive. and thank you alan.

so, happy birthday craig owens :)

i love mythbusters. i enjoy the process of busting myths. i also love watching mythbusters with my amazing boyfriend. we both love watching the science channel because we're cool like that.

i'd be a vampire if i could because then i could be with my love forever and ever just like edward and bella. i definitely have a love better than edward and bella's though. i have alan. and when i'm with him i get this familiar feeling...







june sixth. two thousand nine

there are many things that i wish i had done differently, but i know that i've never been more grateful to have someone in my life. i've learned so much along this journey so far. i know that i have to be patient. i also have learned not to take everything around me for granted when it becomes familiar. i want to live a life of compassion. i want to make the person i love happy and i want to be happy. i love you william alan waugh more than you'll ever understand.i know there is much more to learn about love. i'm willing to do whatever it takes though. like i've said a million times, i believe in love. love that can endure all things and overcome many obstacles. i'd say that mine and alan's love has overcome obstacles and it is still standing the test of time.

i'm sure there will be many more things that my love will have to endure. and i'm ready for it. i'm not going to be the idiot i was before. i'm not going to let this amazing person get away. alan has changed my life in more ways than he knows. i'm so grateful that he realized how true my love for him really is.

kaitlyn. how do i begin to describe our friendship? well, who knows if i would've become so close with her if all the stuff with you know who didn't happen. i'm just glad that i started talking to you in the first place. i had no idea that we would be able to connect so well. our friendship only contributes to me believing that everything happens for a reason. i know that if we lived in the same town we'd be the best of friends. i think it's just really comforting to find someone who can understand things you've gone through or are currently going through. kaitlyn seems to get me and i get her and our friendship works because we both care.

another thing that i love is zombies. my love also likes zombies i love you baby (: i've always enjoyed zombie movies and even if i don't simply adore all the "classic" zombie movies, i'd say i still have a legitimate love for them. i just enjoy watching them attack people and the humans try to survive the zombie apocalypse. is that wrong? i don't think it is..because i secretly believe that a zombie outbreak is possible. i mean any virus can start out of anywhere and turn us all into flesh eating, brain-desiring monsters. i want to be ready for it. and honestly, at this point i don't have a zombie plan.

if i became a zombie, i'd share my brains with you.

france.

hmm. i really really want to go to france. i've taken french for 5 1/2 years. i know that the food there has to be amazing and it's supposed to be one of the most romantic places ever. i've been told that Nice and Lyons are beautiful. however, i must agree with the stereotypes because i fear the snotty-ness of the french. but who knows, maybe i'll speak french so well they won't know i'm american. :) alors, je pense qu'est importante pour moi parler français avec toi. premierement, je veux dire qu'Alan est l'amour de ma vie. alan est la personne que je veux être par mon côté jusqu' à la fin de temps. je ne soigne pas que n'importe qui dit. je crois que nous sommes signifiés pour être ensemble.

i believe in a few things. i believe in love and compassion.

and the universe.

love love love. <3

the sky is the limit

does anyone truly know what happiness is? i think that happiness is something we're all searching for, when a lot of times it's right in front of our faces. but some think it's something to be found but not submerged in. i believe differently than this theory however.

i think i know what happiness is. it's being next to that one person that gives you butterflies. in their absence it feels like there's a rock in your stomach.

feeling the warmth of them next to you. happiness is the pleasure of being with that someone even there's nothing to say.

i'm utterly in love. i never stopped loving you baby. and i never will.

dave matthews band: you & me.

Wanna pack your bags, Something small

Take what you need and we disappear

Without a trace we'll be gone, gone

The moon and the stars can follow the car

and then when we get to the ocean

We gonna take a boat to the end of the world

All the way to the end of the world

Oh, and when the kids are old enough

We're gonna teach them to fly

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby

You and me together yes, yes (x2)

You and I, we're not tied to the ground

Not falling but rising like rolling around

Eyes closed above the rooftops

Eyes closed, we're gonna spin through the stars

Our arms wide as the sky

We gonna ride the blue all the way to the end of the world

To the end of the world

Oh, and when the kids are old enough

We're gonna teach them to fly

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby

You and me together yes, yes

We can always look back at what we did

All these memories of you and me baby

But right now it's you and me forever girl

And you know we could do better than anything that we did

You know that you and me, we could do anything

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby

You and me together yeah, yeah

Two of us together, we could do anything, baby

You and me together yeah, yeah

Two of us together yeah, yeah

Two of us together, we could do anything, baby

i think it's insane how everything happens. sometimes the process is really painful. i know that in the last year i've learned more about myself than i thought possible. i finally feel like i have a clear mind. it's easier to see what's important.

i'm going for a more positive outlook on things, all things.

"the mind is everything. what you think you become" - buddha.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited; imagination encircles the world." Albert Einstein.
my life is about to change. and i'm ready for it.

babe, i know you probably won't want to watch this video, but this song made me think of you, and i'd like it if you did watch. i love you. Glee - Faithfully
thinking about the way i feel with your arms wrapped around me, i want to just prance around in a field. i want to shout it from the mountain tops, i want the world to know that i love you. and only you.
the red lotus: signifies enlightenment in buddhism. different colors stand for different representations. i chose red because it is symbolic of the original nature and purity of heart. It stands for heart that is full of love, compassion and passion.



we can go nowhere but up from here.

we're gonna spin through the stars

the last time i wrote i had decided i was going to remain positive.

it's becoming harder to do, but i think i'm achieving a positive attitude.

let me be straight up, things didn't turn out how i wanted them to. visiting him...i found out a lot. i also know a lot about myself, that i know that i need to change. there are many mistakes that i have made and it's going to take time to correct them.

now i just have to have patience. this is something i've never been particularly good with. however, since high school i have done a lot of inner work on myself and tried to become a more patient person. here stands my test i suppose.

i am in love. i don't expect that to change. i don't want it to change. i just want to feel happy again. i know that i can feel happy on my own. i know that. it's just that without this certain person in my life i feel somewhat empty. and i can't help but look back on all the stupid things i did, the way i acted. i wish i could rewind and do it all over. i regret so much.

it is eating me up inside. the pain of all of this. i just want to be by his side..i want him to feel the same way he used to feel about me.

will it ever be like it was?

the only way to know is to wait...and that's the hardest part.

i love love. i truly believe love is all i need. there's nothing else i feel so completely empty without. and it's not just love, it's the love of the person that i love. i love him so much. so deeply. so much more than i thought i could. and i keep blaming myself over and over and over.

i'll wait for love. i'll wait for you.

i don't know what else to do.